big girl in a big world.

Going on and I finally told my parents and of course their reactions made me feel even more anxiety about it. I’m not telling anyone else because I don’t want to freak anyone out or worry them. I only told my parents because last time I had a similar scare they were extremely upset with me for not telling them. Like my mom was actually mad mad. Ugh I’m just ready to be done with this.

My dad making fatniss everdeen “shoot” me

I was looking through my photos and doing my bimonthly deleting and came across the flowers X sent me. That was 5 weeks ago. We haven’t spoken in a week. It really kills me inside fighting the urge to go about the normal routine of texting him. He was the only person who consistently showed interest in my day, my well being. I really miss him. He was above anything else, a great friend who started from just a guy to now someone I can say hey I love you, and mean it. It took me a while to feel comfortable with him and to trust him but that was due to my previous dealing with the opposite sex. I can definitely say that he has been one of the most caring men that I’ve ever come across. I just have to suck it up I guess.

This year marks the first new year since i was about 17, that I have been sober. I quite enjoyed my night. I met new people, had great food and shared a lot of laughs. although it wasn’t the wild Vegas weekend like last year, it was still a great night. I kind of enjoyed being sober as well. The fact that a couple there was hit last year NYE by a drunk driver also made it easier to be sober (they showed me pictures eek).

as far as resolutions go, i stopped making them because they suck. I will just continue to be awesome, and do my best to maintain my positive energy. The universe has been good to me, blessing me with lots of great people in my life. I hope that they feel the same way about me. 

goodnight. 

p.s 3 days til vegas. 

Was crazy busy but I love it because it goes by quickly. I need it to be Friday. I’ve been dreaming of sleeping til 9am for weeks! Even when I was at my parents house I would wake up at 7am.

Oh yeah I also finished my Christmas list, which santa was really on me about. I told them my list has not changed since 2003! It’s always perfumes (very specific ones since I hate sweet or fruity smells & I also hate my mom’s taste in perfume) makeup or brushes (real techniques this year) clothes, twisty bracelet silver or white gold, necklaces silver or white gold (want a cross this year) clothes and of course a classic black bag. Oh & ceramic skulls! I love those.

I’m about to make dinner for my babes again, I think they’re done with finals Thursday.

I made dinner for my babes. It’s finals week & I know that struggle all too well. I might have gotten my degree 3yrs ago but sometimes I still wake up panicked I’m late for a test. I quickly realize no, I’m not late for school… I’m late for work. Then I sleep for another 15min.

Being an adult is so much different than I ever imagined as a kid. I was so sure I’d be married to Joey from new kids on the block. We were supposed to meet while I was on tour with salt n peppa as their stylist.

Sometimes, it’s so hard. Sometimes it’s not. That’s just life.

Sometimes when I am kissing you, I forget where I am. The world outside us held in suspension, even my breathing stops. You’re a welcomed respite from reality.

My baby sister is here! She always spends her breaks visiting me and I enjoy having her. She’s way cooler than I ever was at 16. She’s playing cod on my xbox and i’m baking. Doesn’t feel like it’s almost midnight. Back to work tomorrow but it’s a short week so I am not tripping.

Unrelated but why didn’t anyone tell me to download snap chat sooner. Zombiecake

This is my bichon coco (say it in Spanish) I’ve been attached to her for 3yrs now. She was my friends sisters pup, and was set to go to the pound because they could no longer care for her (2 small kids plus work & school) so they gave her to me & to say that I love her is an understatement. I just dropped her off to be spayed & I felt so bad :( she was trembling and if I sat her down she’d jump right back up on my lap and lean on me. About 2 weeks ago she got really sick & the vet mentioned cancer liver failure and some other things & o realized one day she’s going to die. She’s already 8 and man I am not ready for that stuff. There’s no point to this other than I love my coco.

Being in my parents house makes me feel so worry free. Unfortunately, Sunday is back to reality. I was wondering what would make my life easier & I came up with nothing. There’s no cure all, no ultimate problem solver. So I just need to continue doing the best I can. I am eyeing these grad school applications but in all honesty I graduated college forever ago, don’t know how successful I’d be jumping back into it. Unrelated but today someone asked how my exbf was, without knowing that we are not together. Normally I would have felt a huge lump in my throat. Heavy weight on my chest just hearing his name but not anymore. Someone asked about us yesterday too, then they asked me if I wonder about him… & I realized I didn’t. I hate to sound like a weak girl but I am proud of myself for letting go & allowing myself to be happy.